Hoffman's Justice
by Hikaru Koen
Summary: Hoffman recalls his life with Jigsaw. Slash. If you don't like it then please don't read it. No flaming please. Hoffman's POV. Rated M for adult themes, language, and situations.


_Author's Note: I don't own the characters, but I wish I did. Please enjoy.

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It all happened that one faithful day. A day I cannot soon forget. The very second it happened it changed my perception of him forever. Sure, I did have a gun wedged between my legs aimed right against my throat. That didn't matter. From the very second he looked at me, I knew I had crossed some sort of line. I knew it was only a matter of time before I started playing his game myself. That's why it didn't come to any sort of surprise when we first kissed.

After all, I did peruse him and he did follow me. It's not like we didn't know what was going to eventually happen. Sure I might have snapped a bit much over Amanda. Can you blame me? She acted on too much emotion for my taste. That's why I _had_ to get rid of her.

She was getting too involved with me and John's personal life that I was about to lose it. It was only a matter of time before she found out what was _really _going on between the two of us. It's not like we were trying to hide it very well. At least not me anyway. John always wanted to be so careful, so planned out. I almost couldn't make a move without him watching me inhale every breath.

It was strange at first, but I knew this is who he really was. Did I expect this to happen? No. I had some vague idea in the very beginning. I just realized it whenever he stroked his hand down my arm several times in that small room.

The way he held onto things until the last second so our fingers would touch. His tender stare and the way he smiled in that seductive way. How he always undressed his victims to their underwear or completely nude. He looked out for me and taught me everything he knew. He gave me a chance to redeem myself and my sister.

It made no difference after that. I finally understood why he had really stalked me down and made sure I joined him. Sure, it could've also been the simple fact that I _did_ murder Baxter and made it look like his work. It wasn't my fault. I was scared and angry. I had to do something about him. I couldn't just let him get away with that. Not that easy. I was in for a great surprise that very day.

I had a feeling John would've found me. It was only a matter of time. I knew I had to get out of there but it was too late. That day in the elevator showed me how dedicated to his work he was. I only wish I had that much dedication in my actual job.

It's kind of lost its luster after banishing my entire department. It loses its fun. It gets stale and boring. That's why I had to shake things up again. Make things more interesting. More dangerous.

Special Agent Peter Strahm got in my way and that's all I could take. He was too smart for his own good. That's why I had to kill him-at least tried to kill him. I guess John was right; the only way to get redemption is to play out a game. Justice was served in Strahm's case. It's amazing how understanding the human mind is a precise key factor in a successful game.

At first I didn't believe John when he spoke of this. Strahm proved him right. I would've liked to believe that John proved me right. He warned him not to proceed any further but he didn't listen. John knew how I would try and kill him. He knew he had to try and stop Strahm from going to an early grave.

Strahm was too arrogant to listen to a corpse, he should've known better. He couldn't have made my life any better. What joy and pleasure it brought me to watch him be crushed several feet above me. His body smashed against the walls and snapped like a twig. His piercing screams that almost took me over the edge.

The way his blood poured down his arm right onto my glass casket below. By that time I truly wished John was still alive. I could've taken all of that sexual frustration out on him-and he would've loved it. But unfortunately the only thing I had to release that tension was my own right hand. The shame it was do be performing a task I didn't have to do the rest of my life-or so I thought.

One thing I didn't expect was John's murder. I knew he was going to possibly die soon, but _not_ from a saw blade. I was so disgusted when I discovered his body lying there with a gigantic slash right across the very throat I poured kisses onto. I was so upset; I didn't know how to deal with it.

I half way attempted to go back to the way I was coping with a loss of a loved one. But I remembered why I was here in the first place. No matter how drunk I could've got it would've never erased the pain and depression I felt when I saw John's lifeless, blood-soaked body.

I didn't know what I was going to do after that. I _knew_ I had to continue his legacy no matter what. It was just going about the actual game itself was going to prove difficult to a man of my measure. I didn't have John to guide me any longer. I was on my own and I was scared. I was lucky those two games worked out fine. If Strahm would've actually made the choice to get inside of the glass coffin for safety, then I probably wouldn't be here right now.

I might've ended up like him. One thing John really drilled into my mind was to always have a backup plan. He must have gone over his clever elevator plan with me a thousand times before I fully understood how to pull one of those off. Of course I helped him do the entire thing, but it was still cool to listen. At first, when he told me he was going to play a game with Detective Matthews while everyone was there sounded crazy, but I believed in him.

It was pure genius how all he had to do was set everything up to where it didn't look like an elevator. Simply pure genius. If he would've allowed me to be there during the game itself, I would have kicked Matthews' ass for attacking John. He had absolutely _no right_ to lay a finger on him. He was so lucky. I was instantly satisfied whenever I learned about the rest of Matthews' game.

Feeding him crap and watching him play mindlessly with rats was pure entertainment. Being right next to him, watching him being shackled and stuck on a block of ice was the icing on the cake. If only John were alive during that, I would have shown him how happy I truly was. My backup plan that night was to make sure the nail bombs were properly in place in case I needed them.

All I would have done was press one single button and the whole place would've blown up in a second. That also would have meant that I almost killed myself during the process. No matter, I could've just pressed a different button that unlatched the safety hatch underneath my 'electric chair'.

I would have dropped safely underneath the floor and into the basement. I still find it strange that I have already played several successful games without John's help. Note that most of the people shot each other-but nonetheless a successful game is a successful game. It wasn't my fault they shot one another, they were not suppose to. They should have followed the rules. "_Don't forget the rules," _John always said.

I find it very amusing that all you have to do in order to win the game is to simply listen and follow the rules. Didn't they teach us that in kindergarten? It's funny how such a simple every day task can easily take your life. You would think people would listen more and follow by example. Didn't anyone watch the news or read the papers?

Hell, _I_ followed the rules and here I am today. Even Amanda followed the _rules_-to an extent. People say rules are meant to be broken, but if you break these rules you might die. That is so ironic.

Whenever I think back to these happy memories, it reminds me of what I no longer have. Everyday I wish I would've been able to take more of a part with Amanda's game. None of that would have happened.

If only John would've let me. He would still be alive today and we would continue to play games. I was very pleased with myself whenever I discovered Amanda was murdered.

It brought me so much joy that she had actually acted on impulse the exact same way I had thought of. I knew the confession of John and I being lovers would make her snap. She lost all control and became enraged.

She was so damn jealous of _anyone_ besides her being close to John. That's what _really_ sickened me. Once again, John was right. Whenever you know how the human mind works, it leaves nothing to chance.

At least the bitch got what she deserved, even if I had to pay a huge price. Still, at least she's not in my hair any longer. Speaking of selfish women, Jill Tuck always pissed me off. In fact, she _still_ does.

I'm glad John finally decided to leave her right before we got involved. I knew he had been struggling with his sexuality from the very beginning of our relationship, it never occurred to me that is why he divorced her.

I had a feeling it had something to do with that, but not the entire thing. I'm glad she stopped coming around the shop. It was challenging giving John a good blowjob when she kept banging on the door. It's a damn good thing we changed the locks, I really didn't feel like explaining that one. Back then, John never really opened up to me the way I would've liked. He always left out some small detail or something. It wasn't until he finally decided to openly admit he was a homosexual that he fully began to open up to me. It was nice he wasn't denying who he was anymore. After that he was an open book.

Our sex life really began to improve after he fully came out. He was all over me, I could never shake him off. One second I would find myself watching the monitors, the next I would be pushed up against them getting jacked off. He usually insisted on giving me pleasure first, he always said, _"I'd be lost without you,"_

I would of course try and reason with him that it didn't matter who received it first. I kept telling him just being with him was enough for me. He _never_ listened. So, at times I had to get away from him and give him a surprise attack just so he'd let me do something first.

Eventually, we got out of that stage. The new relationship hype faded away and soon we were just another couple. We began to have sex regularly. I could sit back and think all day of how gentle he was to me.

He always use to suck on my neck until he drew blood. His fingers would caress every inch of my body until I was left sweaty and breathing hard. He was a little nervous the first time we had sex anally. It was his first time and he didn't want to hurt me. I reassured him he wouldn't but he didn't listen. He wanted to be sure.

He prepared by applying numbing ointment in and around my ass. He made sure I was very comfortable laying on his bed. He made me put three pillows under my entire body, just in case. He carefully and slowly slid his slick, lubed up cock in. And of course, just to be safe we both used condoms. At first he started off very slowly, gently thrusting into my ass with as little force possible.

It was driving me crazy he was going so slow. I told him before that it wasn't my first time. I knew what to expect. I had to start ramming myself into his dick just to get him to go faster. I knew the extra stimulation would do the trick. Within minutes I had him cuming and gasping for air. A few days later came his time to fully experience anal sex.

I thought I was going to kill him at how rough I wanted to go. But I knew I had to force myself to caution him and start out even slower then he did. After all the lubrication, numbing ointment, condoms, and pillows, John was finally ready to take it up the ass. He was so fucking nervous it was almost scary. I never saw him as nervous as he was that day. I cautioned him right before I stuck my cock in. He let out such a painful groan when I entered.

I felt bad for doing that, but that was the only way he could truly experience being fucked up the ass. I started my rhythm very slow. I would only thrust a little harder if he gave me the okay to do so.

When he finally said it I thought I was going to explode. I had been wanting to do that since the first day I saw him. Damn he was so handsome. Every five or so minutes he would let me trust just a bit harder.

Instead of hearing small, painful groans I would hear small moans of pleasure. Those small moans turned into louder moans. And those louder moans turned into cum induced screams.

From the way his body shook, I have never felt anyone cum that hard before in my entire life. I knew he wanted it, I just didn't know he wanted it _that_ bad. I came a minute later as soon as he let out another pleasure-filled moan.

We lay next to each other that night just cuddling. We were in pure ecstasy. I had my arm wrapped around his body as his head lay resting on my stomach. I listened to him breath for a while until he began planting kisses on me.

I knew he wanted more. I knew he couldn't handle anymore that night. I knew he was in severe pain. The first time always hurts the worse. He kept painfully blinking, I just hoped I hadn't hurt him too bad.

I knew I could've been a little easier. I just couldn't help myself. I had wanted to do that for the longest time. I lost complete control. As I listened to John fall fast asleep, I laid there thinking about our future.

I thought that was too soon to be thinking so seriously of that. We had been dating for two months at the time. But I had a feeling we would be together until the day he died, and we were.

Around the time that happened, John's cancer was starting to get the better of him. He wanted me to set up more traps, kidnap more people. I didn't mind it though. I knew that's what I had to do. Plus, I loved playing games-hell I still do. A game is _never_ going to get old in my book. I can't think of going through life and never playing a single game again. They are just too much fun.

There are too many people walking the streets not cherishing their lives. People must cherish their life in order to fully appreciate it. That is why I continue to play these games. Too many people going through life not appreciating it for what it is really worth. I know John would want me to do the same things he did-or better, improve on them. Damn, John really knew how to make a man feel loved.

Speaking of which, that reminds me of an old game John and I put together four months into our relationship. It had sort of a twist going into it. A twist that really made me think differently about John for the first time.

It really brought out the creativity behind his games. There was a tall, dark haired man named Jack Mondo who had been convicted of molesting a child. The man was sentence to a few years in prison due to a technicality.

Of course, I had a huge problem with this guy. John always told me to never make it personal, but I couldn't help it. I hated this guy. The trap he was in made it to where he had to break his entire rib cage with a mallet and a wire brush, all within sixty seconds. If he failed, two axes positioned on either side of his body, would catapult right through his torso, nailing him against the wall.

He had told me that this man had to inflict server punishment to himself for the past crimes he committed. He had to abuse and mutilate himself for the traumatizing effect he had on that child. John really showed off his game playing skills. Mondo didn't last a second in the game.

He flipped out once he heard what he had to do to live. He struggled with the tools in his hands. He tried to escape the room but it was too late. He had fucked around too much and wasted so much time. The two axes sliced through his torso like butter. It make such a sickening, disturbing sound that filled me with pleasure.

Maybe Mondo would've actually survived, or maybe I replaced the tools with identical looking plastic ones so that bastard couldn't escape. Either way I knew he was going to die. I began groping John as soon as both axes slid right through Mondo.

The pleasure was enormous, I couldn't contain myself. The way that man had died, the blood seeping out of his torso dripping on the ground. Hell, I almost orgasmed right there on the spot.

John was pissed when he found out what I had really done. My punishment was severe. I still remember the words he yelled so clearly at my face.

"_What the fuck were you thinking!? He had a chance to redeem himself and cherish his life. Instead, you took it away! That is NOT how we play games. Everyone deserves a second chance. I know what you're thinking. I know why you did it. I don't NEED you thinking like a fucking detective, I need you to be thinking the way I'm thinking. Feel what I feel."_

John was right. He knew _exactly _why I did that. I couldn't stand to see another man get away with a technicality the same way Baxter had. I _couldn't _allow myself to sit back and watch this man live. I had no choice but to kill him.

I knew I had really upset John, but I had to take that risk. I wasn't trying to screw up his game or piss him off. It was just something I had to take care of. It wasn't like that man was really going to live anyway. He wasted his time before he even knew what was happening. Justice was served.

I loved how John and I spent a lot of time together. Days on end we would never leave the shop. If we did, we would go out and get some food or coffee. One time I missed work for an entire week just to stay with John and help him with his latest trap. Erickson completely bought the lie that I had the flu. Other times I would get off really early to surprise John just so I could hear his voice and see what he was working on.

I did that one day, and he surprised me by lying on top of the glass casket with nothing more then a smile and a bottle of wine. It was amazing that we didn't break the damn thing. I was almost positive that we would. I went to the shop one day to find John doubled over on the floor in severe pain. I knew his cancer had really affected him, that's why those next four days I _never_ left his side. I slept on the cold, hard floor right next to his bed waiting and taking care of him.

Whatever he wanted he got it. I had to make sure he was as comfortable and as safe as possible before I brought him something to eat or drink. I may have only been less then a foot away, but you can never be too careful. I wanted to make sure he was going to be alright. Whenever he finally got to feeling a lot better, John thanked me in a _very special way. _

I got whatever I wanted in return. Before I knew it, John was creating even better traps. He was feeling more alive then he ever had in years. He was so happy. He smiled at me any chance he got and gave me a lot of hugs. He wanted to show me how much he loved me. I knew how much he really loved me.

I was glad to be getting so much affection and attention. That was the most anyone had ever given me. I truly felt loved and appreciated by him. I realized I had never loved another human being as much as I loved him. He was so great to me. Fuck, I really miss him.

It was so miserable, but at times we barely saw each other. Like whenever I had to be at the office, or whenever he was creating traps. One thing I really miss was just being in his presence. John and I would sit down and have serious discussions about why he did all of those things.

He never left out a detail and was very precise on how things had to be done. I had to completely follow his model until I memorized it or improved on it. John always _stressed_ the importance of not being caught.

I was shocked whenever he was finally caught. It made no difference though, soon they were all disposed of. Excluding me of course. I was basically the brains when it came about luring my ex department from suspecting anyone else. I got all of the attention off of me and focused it on Amanda. But whenever they finally got suspicious of me, I had no choice but to lead them down a very different path.

It was nice how they suspected Rigg of the entire thing, too bad when they kept wanting to question me. It was very smart the way I lead them in the wrong direction. It was an added bonus. Everything was set right into place whenever I also led Erickson to believe Strahm was the true "killer". I had to throw Erickson completely off my trail. There is no way in hell he can get as close as Strahm did.

I will give Strahm credit though for the only one to completely figure it all out. He was really smart. That took a lot of balls and determination to be able to get that one right. John would've said the same thing. Thinking back, I just noticed something. It's strange how I always seem to end up with a bloody nose.

Next time I am going to try and avoid that. It was too bad though how I didn't say "game over" whenever I watched Strahm being crushed. I was so enthralled with a torture-pleasure that I forgot to say it. Hell, by the time he was halfway crushed I had a hard-on. I just had to turn my head one last time to watch him die. The pleasure was too intense for me to pass up.

It was nice how John and I had always seen eye to eye. We had such a deep understanding for each other, when it came time to being able to talk about any subject that's when it became really painful. John would go on about his ideal life.

I liked hearing about, his interests and his dreams. We shared some of the same dreams. It was great the way we had so much in common. Maybe a little sick, but it was great. For the first time in my life I had someone to talk to about all of my personal feelings. All the shit I had locked up inside finally came spilling out onto the surface.

It felt nice to be able to openly speak my mind without the fear of being judged or thrown in prison. I was able to be free for the first time in my life. I could do and say whatever the fuck I wanted with no consequences. Damn it was such a nice feeling. Now I don't have that option.

Now I have to be very careful about what all comes out of my mouth. If I fuck up and say something wrong then I could be in so much trouble. It pains me to even think about this certain moment. Whenever it came down to that final moment between John and I inside of his hospital like room; I knew that was probably going to be the last time I ever saw him alive. I had tears in my eyes just talking to him. I was so close to crying I about ran out of there just so he wouldn't see how sad I was.

I couldn't let him see that I was so afraid of him dying. I had to be strong-not just for him but for me as well. We both needed as much strength as we could get. Whenever he weakly handed me that file, I felt like I was going to throw up. My stomach turned at how I saw him barely being able to hand it to me.

Even though we were both in pain he looked happy. He gave me two, sincere smiles before I left out the door never to see him again. I walked down the hallway glancing at the pictures inside of the file. I instantly stopped three feet later. I couldn't stand. My legs gave away and I landed hard onto the cold concrete, knees first. My body trembled all over, I couldn't contain myself.

I sat there on my knees thinking about what had just occurred. I was able to position my back against the wall to keep myself from completely falling face first onto the ground. I sat there for thirty minutes bawling my eyes out.

I couldn't stop. I just cried and cried and cried until I couldn't cry any longer. I already felt like I had lost him even though he was barely still alive. I sat there freezing, until I made sure the last thing I heard was that he was going to be alright. I listened quietly for several minutes. All of a sudden I heard John's heart monitor go off.

He began seizing. I closed my eyes as tears streamed out and hoped it would end. Lynn was able to calm him down again and stop the seizing before it became any worse. I sat there for another ten minutes just listening and waiting. John had become stable enough for my conscious to allow me to leave.

I almost couldn't allow myself to leave him in Amanda and Lynn's hands. It was all too much for me to bear. I wiped my eyes dry and proceeded forward down the hallway. Whenever that occurred we had been through so much together. We had been together for years and our bond was stronger then ever.

Speaking of Amanda's game, I _knew_ she would fail him. I wrote the damn paper confessing everything to her, just so she would throw out so much emotion that someone would have to kill her. No sooner she read the confession letter she immediately turned on John. She took the game into her own hands.

It didn't help her much either whenever John was _purposely _trying to piss her off by acting so affectionate to Lynn. That was clever on his part. Seeing that tore Amanda up inside. Even though John didn't know that was what I was planning to do from the very beginning, let's just say it worked out nicely.

I set it up to where John would be so fucking pissed off at Amanda that he would get back at her in a very powerful and effective way. He chose the right way to make her snap. I told John that she would fail him. I don't know why he didn't listen. I guess he had some last shreds of hope left in him

Amanda still listened to him to an extent though. That didn't last long. I told John from the start that she was just too fucked up enough as it was to become an accomplice. He _still_ didn't listen to me.

He saw past her screw ups and thought to give her a second chance. I knew he realized that she has still been cutting herself even though she told him she stopped. I made _damn sure _that she wouldn't be caught lying to John _ever_ again.

Whenever I told John about secretly watching her cut, he became enraged. He told me he had a very strong feeling about it, but didn't want to say anything in case she really wasn't. He was almost always lying in bed and he hadn't noticed too much to confirm it.

I fixed that little problem. I became the bearer of bad news-good news for me. It still warms my heart with joy to think back to that day. Pure joy.

That of which brings me back to the _other_ bitch in John's life. Jill Tuck. That selfish, prying woman. How dare that bitch try and get involved in John's and I relationship! He specifically told her to _never_ come back to the shop.

Of course, he did as well tell her that if she was to come back she should be doing it for herself and not him. Did she? Yes. That selfish bitch came back so she could try and win John back. It seems to me that she misunderstood him.

There was an even _bigger_ reason for her not to go inside of the shop. Number one, she had no right to be there in the first place. Hints the divorce. Number two, she would discover what John was up to and we couldn't allow that. Number three, I was there. John and I had just started dating.

There was no fucking way in hell that bitch would fuck everything up for the two of us-especially me. John and I had already accomplished so much together, I wasn't about to be exposed and sentenced to prison. Not a chance.

Whenever she brought Art Blank over without me realizing it, I was so close to becoming caught. Of course, all John had to do was put on a 'fuck you' attitude and they would leave. That was no problem on his part.

By the time they had arrived, I had just put on my boxers and was getting out of bed. I'm glad John informed me of them being there. I loved it how he yelled at them. He showed so much power and determination. It was a real turn on. Lucky for him I only had my boxers on.

Jill _finally_ decided to mind her own fucking business after John and her had a small chat. He came clean and said to her,

"_Jill, I know this has been a frustrating time for all of us. I feel that I must come clean and tell you the truth as of what has been occurring as of late. This may be shocking, but you are entitled to hear what I have to say. Jill, these past two months I have been seeing someone--a man. Now, I know what you're going to say. Let me first say that yes I am positive about my decision and I would like for you to respect it. Now do you see why we can never be together? Stop showing up around my shop, stop calling me, and especially stop following me around. We aren't married anymore, so stop treating me as though we still are. I've moved on with my life and now it is time for you to move on. It was nice seeing you again Jill."_

That was such a powerful confession that Jill ran out of there, tears sliding down her cheeks. She seemed so upset that she had been traumatized. I'm sure she was just being over dramatic. And so, she vanished from John's life for a while. That was until he died. The only thing he left her was that stupid box. I however got the jackpot. I claimed every bit of his shop. Everything except that box was in fact mine and mine only.

Of course, I know what was inside of the box. I mean, hell I was there whenever John put the stuff inside of it. He told me what he was giving to her. I just wish he would've given it to me. She doesn't deserve it. Ohh well, I'll get it back.

After summing up my life with my beloved John, that leads me back to one of the last things we ever talked about. A day before he died he asked me to marry him. I thought about it. _I made my choice._

Mark Hoffman wiped the sleep away from his burning eyes. The light he was sitting in front of all night was giving him a headache. He glanced outside his window, it was pitch black. He laid down his black, ball point pen giving his already sore and cramping hand a rest. He was sure he had injured his wrist from a night of nonstop writing. He gave a deep, well deserved sigh of relief.

He closed his black, three spiral notebook and stood up. He stretched his aching muscles and groaned. He headed over to the coach, picked up his black bag containing his pig mask and headed out the door to start his next game.


End file.
